Sorry I’ve been away for awhile – life is in full gear and isn’t stopping anytime soon. I was reminded with a tweet from Dan Gordon that we have less than 7 weeks until Christmas. Crap. Life is speeding by….

Speaking of life,  today I will celebrate mine. Because today is my 38th birthday. Yep, I am that old. I don’t feel like it. And I am often told I don’t look like it. But I am officially closer to 40 than 35. (And P.S. Happy Veterans Day to all our former service men & women. I am honored to share this day with you.)

Happy Veterans Day

Its hard to believe I have been married for almost 16 years and have one daughter that will start middle school next year and another that will be 1/2 through elementary school. I feel like time has been on hyper-drive and the throttle keeps being pushed a little more each day. I’ve been trying to slow down and enjoy my family and friends, but some days its hard.

Being a working mom is tough. (Don’t get me wrong, being a SAHM isn’t easy either.) Between laundry, piano, basketball, academic bowl, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, and homework, the chaos of life has been getting to me a bit lately. I signed up for a “spa night” a couple of weeks ago, and was really looking forward to it when GFB said “Hey, what is your dad going to be doing while you are at Spa Night?” (My dad flew in from NYC for a long weekend.) My first reaction? I burst into tears. I had been looking forward to being pampered for over a week, and then the rug was yanked out from underneath me. GFB knew how much I ‘needed’ that relaxation, so he virtually demanded I go for at least a bit (and I did).

How do you handle the chaos? Are there things you do to keep your house running smoothly? Share them with me (PLEASE!).

The recent tornadoes and unimaginable aftermath brought me back to a day almost 12 years ago that I still remember vividly. For many in Oklahoma, May 3, 1999 was a scary, surreal day. Tornadoes ripped across the state and leveled everything in its path, like a lawn mower easily cutting blades of tall grass. The day started out with our local weathermen breaking into regular programming frequently updating us on the pending storms. By afternoon, Oprah, Jeopardy and other regularly seen programs were all being preempted by weather broadcasts, and for good reason. Strong tornadoes were developing across the state- and headed towards Oklahoma City.

(Now for those of us who grew up in Oklahoma, tornadoes are a part of life.  “We’ve got a tornado on the ground! Get Val on the Getner!” the local weatherman shouts. Its become so routine that the college kids have made a game of it. (Hell, who am I kidding, the adults play too.) Anytime you hear the words “Getner”, “Tornado on the Ground”, or “Hail the size of (insert sports equipment, vegetable or any US coin here)” , you are encouraged to take a sip of your favorite adult beverage. Makes the evening more interesting, right? Can’t watch any other regular programming, so might as well have fun…)

Back to the story

So that particular day, tornadoes had been pounding the state and were headed from the south towards the northeast and the city of Moore, Oklahoma. Although I live about 30 minutes from there, I knew the area well, as I was an outside sales rep and traveled throughout the OKC Metro daily. I also had an aunt and (former) uncle that lived right outside Moore. Oh, and they happened to own an insurance agency.

A tornado the likes of which no one had ever seen ripped through Moore, Oklahoma at around 5:30 pm. The damage was nothing less than unimaginable. Homes flattened to their foundations, cars stuck in trees, small toys scattered for miles. Sheer destruction. After a couple of hours of trying to reach family, we finally got word everyone (aunt and cousins), were all ok. Thank you God.

The next day, the city was in somewhat of a daze. Cell service was sporadic, and since I worked primarily off my cell phone with my job, I decided to take the day off and head down to see my aunt, bring her lunch and see if I could be of any assistance. (Her insurance office was not damaged, but there was no power in the entire city – so no restaurants within miles were able to cook food. Plus, she was going to be VERY busy with clients…)

I bought a huge tray of sandwiches from a local sandwich shop that was kind enough to cut me a deal on the large platter since I mentioned why I was buying it (thanks CityBites!) and headed south.  As I drove past 12th street, I was shell-shocked. The damage was unfathomable. I would guess this was what a war-zone would look like. It was tragic. When I arrived at her office,  I started passing out sandwiches to the people waiting to be helped by the insurance disaster team and those working in the office.

About an hour later, as milled around looking for something to do to help, a young couple walked in the office. They looked a bit disheveled. And sad. Their young son, probably 3 or so, was with them – oblivious to what had happened. I overheard the couple speaking quietly to the agent, “Yes, ma’am, It’s all gone.” the man said. “We don’t have anything.” A lump formed in my throat. I turned away slightly so they wouldn’t see me start to tear up. Hell, THEY were the ones who lost everything. THEY were suffering. I was fine.

“Vroooommm, Vrooooommm!” the little boy said. As his small toy car careened towards an open floor vent in the office, his mother raised her voice, “Son, be careful! That’s the only toy you have.”

I was holding it together. Then when I heard those words from the mother, I lost it. I walked outside, sat on the concrete steps and cried. No toys?! This poor sweet baby (and his family) had nothing. They were for all intensive purposes, homeless. And he was playing with the only toy his mother was able to find for him.

Although most Oklahomans remember May 3, 1999 and all the devastation, I remember May 4th. And the little boy, his mother and his toy car.

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
~Epictetus

As many of you recall, GFB and I announced late last summer that were excited to find out we would be welcoming our 3^rd child into the world sometime in the spring of 2011.  As it turns out, it was not meant to be. For these last few months, I have been engrossed in the everyday pleasures of a normal life. Dance classes, piano lessons, training for a 5K, Christmas, Birthdays -you name it.  I have put the loss in the back of my mind and gone on with my amazing life.

I am the luckiest girl in the world. I had a less-than-stellar childhood and teen years, but I think my prayers to heaven were answered when I casually asked my friend at a party one night my Junior year of college,  “Whose house is this?”.  This tall, rather lanky guy with thick, wavy dark hair turned around and said “Mine”. That was that night I found him. For the past 15 years of marriage, and 2 ½ years prior, GFB has been my rock. As he promised when we said our wedding vows, he has been there through the good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. We have had a lot of good times. We have traveled to places I could only dream of growing up. We have been blessed with two amazing daughters who are perfectly healthy and make us laugh at them (and each other) daily. And four years ago, we bought what I consider to be my ‘dream’ home. A place we could raise our girls and grow old in.

Unfortunately for him (and me), this is one of those bad times. Bad may not be the right word for it – sad may be better. I am trying so damn hard to be happy and thankful for the wonderful gifts I have been blessed with, but I am sucking at it lately.  I have realized that I am grieving. You see, my expected due date was March 24th.

For me, this process is torture. Grief brings on feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, guilt. Loneliness, check. Sadness, check. Anger, check. Guilt, check. I have always thought of myself as capable, strong, able to cope. It is now I am realizing that is not necessarily the case. At least, not in this case.  My dear hub says “ Does anyone know how you feel?”, “Remember, I’m not a mind reader and neither is anyone else.” No. They don’t. They casually ask “How are you doing?”. “I’m doing ok.”, I reply.

The reality is -that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. I am not ok. I have been sad and feeling very alone. I have  amazing friends, and they would be there in the drop of a hat if I asked, but I don’t. Instead, I keep to myself and end up feeling as though the world is avoiding me like the plague. It’s ridiculous, I know.  My perception of reality is very skewed at this moment.

Grief does strange things to people. Emotionally, socially and physically. I never fully understood it. Until now.