Becoming a parent is such an amazing experience. Bringing them home from the hospital, first smile, first steps….. it all sounds so blissful and perfect.
But there’s another side of parenting that is often forgotten about. You know, the part that your friends with kids conveniently failed to mention. I think they purposefully fail to fill you in on the no-so-glamorous-side of parenting because they think “I had to figure shit out on my own – so can you!”
Well, I’m spilling the beans. Here goes.
My list of seven things they don’t tell you before becoming a parent:
- Car pool line SUCKS. Ask any parent who has endured the depths of Hell aka car pool line. It’s not that complicated people, but each week I contemplate jumping out of my car and screaming at the grandpa who has fallen asleep, or the mom who doesn’t understand HOW TO NAVIGATE the line. CAR POOL LINE SUCKS.
- You will attend more birthday parties in one school year than your age. (I’ll be 40 in 2 months people.) That means FORTY birthday parties with screaming kids and goodie bags filled with shit you have to “misplace” in the trash so your kids don’t end up with 50 bouncy balls and plastic rings shoved under the bed. (Sorry friends – it had to be said.)
- Start a separate savings account when they are born to pay for wrapping paper, sausage and tubs of cookie dough to support your school. Fortunately I don’t have to worry about this at my kids school (they attend a private school that does a yearly benefit auction in lieu of month-long fundraisers). That said, I get a visit from every school kid within a 2 mile radius of our home offering up the aforementioned items. I’m a sucker and usually buy it – so start saving otherwise those kids will bankrupt you.
- You can never recoup the one hour per month spent at a PTO/PTA meeting. If you’ve been to one, you know what I am talking about.
- French fries which fall in the crevices of your car are vacuum-proof. As are Goldfish crackers, Cheerios and M&M’s. Get use to having your car resemble a mobile trash can.
- Just as you are about to board a plane, your kid WILL poop, pee or vomit on you. I once had a kid pee out of a BRAND NEW DIAPER down the side of me, her and on the airport concourse floor. Awesome I tell ya. It was fricking awesome…. (I cried as I boarded the plane.)
- People on planes and in movie theaters hate babies, even if they have 10 of their own, they hate yours. It’s not fair but that’s the way it is.
This is my short and sweet list. Do you have a tip for new parents you’d like to add? I’d love to hear it. (So comment below!)